hate

Bold, Beautiful and Bossy

Miriam , that is what everyone called her. She was the 3 B’s… Bold ,Beautiful and Bossy. Yes and she didn’t mind flaunting it. She attributed her assertiveness to leadership. She once told us that it came from her many years of directing, coaching and bringing up her siblings. We would laugh.

We were such good friends until, Bayo came between us. I often joked that he would. I kind of saw it coming but didn’t want to believe our childhood friendship would be crushed because of love. Yes, because of stupid love. I was bitter, still bitter, as I wrote.

Bayo was one of those charming guys, who knew exactly what to say to get exactly what he wanted.  Miriam at that time was already engaged to Mike, our childhood friend and part of our inner circle. Mike was her first and was going to be her last! We just couldn’t forgive her for the betrayal. How could she do that? Bayo wasn’t special!

Hmm… Why do I remember? Miriam is in a coma and that should be my focus but perhaps I was worried she wouldn’t wake up and I couldn’t say all the things I had kept buried in my heart for 3 years.

Oh my time flies! It was 5 days  since the incident and Bayo was still AWOL. I kept asking myself,how could beat her and set the house on fire? I couldn’t wrap my head around it but I couldn’t help but say, ” I told her”.girl in pain

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Was it love?

It was Christmas again and Sade couldn’t bear the pain. Several days had gone by but it still hurt so badly. Each time she talked about it with her close friends and family, they could tell she was distraught but holding back the tears. The tears only flowed down freely when she was alone. She was one who did not like to show emotions. Amaka her friend was worried because Sade had never been heartbroken, she worried if she could handle this. Sade always felt she could fix everything. She loved solving people’s problems even when they didn’t ask! All she does is to make people happy.

Amaka walked into Sade’s room and saw Sade looking out the window. Amaka offered to make dinner,Sade showed her the bowl of ice-cream, she just ate, coupled with the bars of chocolates, cake and rice with loads of chicken. She assured Amaka she wasn’t going to starve because of the heartbreak. She was on holiday; she was going to have fun in spite of it all but just then ,John Legends’ “All of you” played on the radio. It was their song. He often dedicated that song to her. Sade broke down and cried. How didn’t she see this coming? How does love turn to hate in a split of a second? Did he ever love her? What is the meaning of all this? Why now? It was just a month to the wedding. This was all new to her; the concept of being dumped.. She was the one always  offering advice to friends when they got dumped or ended their relationships and it always worked. Now she wasn’t even in the mood to follow her own advice to move on. She felt like wallowing in self-pity. She felt used, unappreciated, humiliated;she felt so weak, she who was so strong. She was broken.

Why couldn’t he dump her decently? They could have ended it amicably. She didn’t understand. She was overwhelmed.
Amaka hated seeing her friend like this. She wept with her and told her, ”God knows best”. Sade lit up a little, she knew God was always with her but this hurt was too deep but then again in her head she was comforted by these thoughts, “people are going through a lot more pain, sickness, death, loss and this was her challenge, she would get over it” She had to. She decided to forget her pain and be grateful at least, she fell in love,truly,madly ,deeply and she had changed, which was a plus.
How it all began? It was a beautiful day, the stars were aligned, Alfredo said “hello” upon meeting her at the airport. Their flight was grounded and they spent the entire night chatting away and of course the kiss that lingered in her heart after over a year. They parted and kept in touch occasionally but neither of them wanted to pursue a long-distance relationship. As fate would have it, Sade went abroad to study in Italy and decided to send a message to Alfredo in France. He didn’t reply immediately and she had almost lost hope when several hours later, he replied and said “Hey where have you been? Let’s chat on WhatsApp”. Sade still remembers that day and it brings smiles to her face. And that’s how they hit it off, just like they hadn’t been apart. The reconnection was great. It seemed like they were in the same place mentally and after a month of text chatting and skyping, he asked her out. Without hesitations, Sade said yes! She had been waiting to date him and now although they were apart, she figured they could make it work. They were just an hour’s flight apart and although she hated long-distance as much as he did but she was in school and he worked, so it seemed ok and already planned Christmas together for their first meet in almost 2 years.
They both had similar strong personalities and background, he was heady and so was she. It bothered her sometimes but Sade had always accepted people as they were and hoped she would get acceptance and so far so good. Her past relationships often ended because she didn’t see a future, there was one however she kind of felt, she should have given it a shot but she learned from that experience and said, she wasn’t going to miss this chance because Alfredo was simply amazing. He was a surprise. He had a good heart, charming, faithful, hardworking, strong, good cook, neat, smart,intelligent, handsome ,good kisser, fun to be with when not moody..hahahaha , she could go on.
Christmas was lovely; the sparks were there, just like the first night. The feeling was mutual, the butterflies in the belly and when she heard those words the first time, “I love you” it was like magic. He was spiritual.. He prayed with her. It was simply beautiful. Several months went by so quickly, everything seemed to be moving fast, meeting family, friends, and it was perfect: just what she prayed for. The best part was, everyone was nice and they liked her. Then the proposal; it was simple but nice and although they had been fighting, her heart skipped a beat each time she looked at him, and when he asked, all she could say was yes.She felt so lucky.
The honeymoon phase had passed and now it was time to test the love. The fights were getting more often and taking longer time to resolve. The major issues were communication and misunderstandings which one party didn’t let go of, as the same issues kept coming up. At first, Alfredo was sweet about the fights even when she was stubborn to apologize, he would tell her when they lived together it was going to end. Distance was the culprit. He often reassured her of his unending love as she reaffirmed hers. He said to her when she came back to him,he knew she was the one. He believed the word from God that they belonged together. He had a confirmation they were to be married and they would have 2 boys.

However, it was gradually becoming an emotional roller coaster relationship, the sad part was from being sweet about the fights he became bitter, he would get upset and threaten breakup with her or resort to ultimatums. Sade became frustrated,she didn’t know what to do or say to please him anymore. Only once did he apologize for saying such things and for overreacting, subsequent fights, Sade had to do the apologizing and reconciliation. That’s when she knew it something was wrong. She could not understand what she was doing wrong.Had he met someone else and was losing his patience?Hmm.

Sade told herself, courtship was a woman’s best time of her life; to be wooed and showered utmost affection. In return she would give herself wholly and be loyal forever but it was hard. She often wondered if she wasn’t good enough for him and wondered why he proposed if he had doubts still. He even proposed a second time, with a beautiful ring and perfect destination. The best day of her life;it was everything she dreamed of but why was the only thing that came to his mind when they had a fight would be to opt out? Why didn’t he remember her good?his promises? She was very loving, caring and supportive. She would share  her last dime if she had to. She loved him and his family and he knew it but perhaps that wasn’t enough. She felt maybe he just felt he couldn’t control her. She was very independent but she needed him; perhaps he needed a subservient woman. Then again, she asked herself, if he knew he wanted that kind of woman why did he pick her? She was confused.

To be fair on Alfredo, Sade was a handful sometimes, she gave criticism and accepted some even though she would raise an eyebrow about it but Alfredo didn’t like that. If you were a very sensitive and emotional person, you probably wouldn’t be able to stand her sometimes but that was Sade, just showing tough love when she had to. Sade is assertive, honest,very opinionated but blunt and short-tempered. However Alfredo wasn’t without flaws either. He had rage, kept a grudge ,and loved to give her the silent treatment. He was also assertive and very opinionated and that is why,sometimes the difference in opinions got in the way. At first she didn’t notice his anger but in time, it blew up in her face.
Alfredo was talking to his friend Timi about Sade. He felt blessed to have her. She came into his life when he needed someone. He was tired of being alone and was ready for family. He loved her but sometimes wondered if he was in love or it was just the idea of love. Her sharp mouth he couldn’t stand and he felt disrespected sometimes when she snapped because she yelled! She would say things he didn’t quite understand, although he knew she didn’t mean any harm but when it played back in his head, it was just so annoying. He didn’t want a divorce and he feared he would divorce her some day because of these attributes.He also felt she was too business-like in her relations with him.She had worked before pursuing her masters and he wondered if she knew the difference. She also was not a spring chick, ( she looked younger than her age) but he also feared she wasn’t keen about getting kids right away.She often talked about finding work than having kids. He was having doubts,insecurities and fear crept in.Timi told him, it is better to have a broken engagement than a broken marriage and he agreed.

He was going see her soon and he hoped nothing would go wrong. He had a lot going on in his mind: he needed to make money, he also wanted to get a new job, they needed a house, and he needed money for the wedding. It was driving him crazy and although Sade often told him not to worry “what was hers was his and what was his was hers’’’ he just didn’t see how they could make it. She always helped, even when he would say no, she would insist. He loved that about her but it also made him angry. He felt sometimes that was why she was proud or wouldn’t respect him. He was confused. Her personality was always clashing with his. He felt he wasn’t good for her sometimes. He wondered why she accepted the proposal. At first, she was slow about getting married( he felt she didn’t want to marry him) then she switched from being slow to being pushy about the way the wedding should be. In her head,she was trying to plan properly and she just wanted to know him first. She also took time before she opened up. He wondered if that was her or she didn’t trust him enough. He realized he didn’t know her well enough.Was she just settling or did she really love him?

He also wondered if they had things in common. Sure they both loved chilling at home, working out,dancing, cooking, and listening to the same music and had same interest for movies,had same values and principles  but she had no interest in football!( although she was trying). Then sex too, he was more adventurous than her, he worried if she would ever let him explore.Could he give that up? The price of love seemed too high. Timi told him, time resolves that, staying together builds togetherness; you will find out more things and create commonalities. No two people are same. Love binds people together. Open and honest communication is the key to a successful relationship,even when it came to sex.

So many thoughts in his head.Why did he propose, was it just emotions? He ended the relationship upon her last visit for real, it’s just his mum and everyone told him to save the relationship, they had come so far. They both had made sacrifices in the relationship, why should just silly arguments get in the way? It was just the devil. He was to look at the bigger picture. She was going to be a great mother and wife. She was spiritual, generous, beautiful, hardworking and intelligent. What more could he ask for? Marriage was about patience and tolerance. She his helper,there to complement him and even as he didn’t want to accept that,she did.
Sade went to visit Alfredo after they had just made up the second time in a month. The second time, she actually told him perhaps they should sit down and talk if they should break up. It was the first time she had said that but it was her emotions. He had planted the seed of doubt over time by mentioning it each time they had a fight. Although she wondered if they would ever stop fighting. When he would finally get it they were not in competition? He was her man, she was his woman. They were equals, simple. She was under his authority as a co-pilot and still learning submission. She loved him,wanted to have kids, and live with him forever. All she wanted was, to add value and plan well to secure their future.

Sade had been through so much suffering as a child and vowed ,she won’t ever go through that again. Anyways, thank goodness they resolved that fight and now she just needed to see him badly, to hold him and kiss him. She felt distant from him. The bond was loose, she could sense he hadn’t let go of the previous fight and didn’t know what else to do. All she prayed for was to hug him and hope it was going to be ok. She never stopped praying for their relationship and was excited that soon they would live together! She needed him,she felt complete with him.She had never had so much peace in her heart about a man. Little did she know, it was all going to come to an end.
They had just walked into a fast-food restaurant to relax as her flight was still 4 hours away, they both spotted a vacant seat at the same time, it was full, she understood he wanted her to secure the seat but then he asked her to go drop her bag and she said “’I’m ok” he insisted she should go sit there and later join him in the queue when he got close to order and his tone was harsh and he was visibly upset. Sade went to sit but was upset and surprised he would instruct her like that.

However, she did as she was told, hoping he would notice her frown and come over. To her dismay he sends a message on bbm asking how she would notice when he got closer to order if since she wasn’t looking. Sade explained she was upset about what just happened and asked him to please order anything he liked for her. He got upset and then they went back and forth over if she was coming or he leaving the queue and to resolve this issue, Sade said, she was no longer hungry, so they could leave. Alfredo starts yelling as they get into the car. Using his favorite line “I can’t take this bullshit anymore”  Sade was shocked,she couldn’t believe it but kept quiet until he mentioned ,dropping her off at the airport, she explained that her flight was still hours away but if that’s what he wants it was ok.

Alfredo drove straight to the airport and dropped her off. Still shocked beyond words ,Sade looked for food to eat. She was still trying to replay everything in her mind, trying to figure out what was eating him up, trying to figure out what she had done,and then his messages on bbm appeared. It was another breakup message but this time, it sounded final because he mentioned sending her stuff back. The only thought that came to her mind was to delete him from bbm, for her peace of mind. She just could not deal with that at that time,it was too much hate.Didn’t he want her to arrive safely in Italy? What if it was her last day on earth, those hurtful words are the words he would have said to a woman he said he loved for over a year. She deleted him from bbm and that set him off further. The events that followed afterwards lead to him dropping off her stuff at her friend’s place, wrapped in a very strange manner.

All she wanted was for him to be happy,even if it was not with her. She wanted to remind him of their beginning but then she pondered ,is there any need fighting for someone who doesn’t want to be with you? He obviously didn’t want to see her,ever again. Was it love?